K.B. Dundee: Kai, Xena, Tribbles, and Chris Dolley, hereafter known as the International Kittens of Mystery and Pet Monkey-Writer, have produced a wonderful book full of great how-to photos and descriptions of actual exercises for kittens in training to be agents provacatmewer, spies (we’ll have to ask Zvonek 08 if he underwent similar training) and other professions where a kitten who can do derring do is required. We just finished reading it and my co-author totally embarrassed me by laughing aloud–in public, no less–where others could hear her. I would have been mortified had I not been busy chuckling under my whiskers. The antics of the tiny ginger Tribbles were especially wonderful, of course. But then, gingers always are.
Tell us first please, Xena and Kai, why you decided to share these super secret training exercises with kittens all over the world?
Xena: It was part of a damage limitation exercise after the incident with Kai and President Sarkozy’s pet mouse. We needed to show the public what we do and explain the dangers of allowing mice access to state secrets. Plus we wanted to show kittens that you can defend the planet and look cool at the same time. As long as you don’t eat too many enemy agents (looks at Kai)
K.B. We see that your monkey photographed you as you demonstrated the various aspects of your strenuous training course to be International Kittens of Mystery. How difficult was it for you to hold a pose–or repeat a pose, often enough for him to get a decent picture? You must be very patient kittens as well as extremely supple. I tried practicing some of your moves but I warn our readers: adult cats beware! These maneuvers, especially the ones involving squeezing beneath furniture or hanging from fence slats, are for kittens only.
Kai: It takes weeks of training on the catwalks of Purris and Mewlan, and on America’s next top kitten agent. I was a stunt kitten on the James Bond films too-
Xena: until he got too fat.
Kai: I was not fat!
Xena: Too many voles at the hospitality tent.
Kai: They were enemy voles! Hiding under a pie crust (mmm)
K.B. You have a very high-tech mode of transportation that allows you to flit all over the world from one assignment to another. Could you describe it for the benefit of our readers? Teleporters may scramble the molecules of the teleportees, airlines have–well–airports–and like to insist kittens, even those on important missions, ride in cargo. Are there any built-in disadvantages to wicker bowl travel?
Xena: The Wickerbowl series of personal transporters were invented by Miaow See Tung and Hercule Purro. They’re fast and, when operated correctly, inconspicuous. If I need to be somewhere else fast all I have to do is climb into the bowl, download the destination co-ordinates from our orbiting Kitten Command Center (Wickerbowl Five) and then – poof – the Wickerbowl dematerializes, materializing at the destination less than a second later.
Kai: And a second after that our breakfast re-materializes (makes face).
Xena: It can take a little getting used to. But we learn – most of us – never to fly on a full stomach.
K.B. Being an extremely handsome specimen of the ginger sort myself, I found the Tribbles purrticularly intriguing. I’d like to ask them some questions next. Tribbles, please tell us your names and how you got them. I know you are considered the shock troops of IKM cuteness, but do you each have other special skills as well?
Tribbles: For operational reasons we have to keep our real names secret. But we do have code names. Kinky Tribble has a slight kink in her tail. Spiky Tribble uses too much fur product. Targa Tribble likes his Targa Turbo Sports Wickerbowl. Squidgely Tribble excels at squeezing into tight spaces. And Stinky Tribble has a nervous complaint. But he is very cute … from a distance.
K.B. What sort of assignments do you get? What was your most dangerous mission?
Xena: We get all sorts of assignments. Not many people realise the current banking crisis was caused by squirrels speculating on nut derivatives.
Kai: We had to infiltrate their organisation.
Xena: Now squirrel futures look bleak (grins)
Tribbles: Don’t forget the giant ball of woolon a collision course with Earth.
Xena: That’s right. Not many asteroids are made of wool, and Bruce Willis wasn’t available, so we were sent instead. It took a lot of unravelling.
K.B. Have you received any special awards for your contributions?
Kai: We got to keep the asteroid.
Xena: We’re waiting for the 2013 tuna asteroid. It’s huge and it’s due to fly close to Earth next year.
K.B. Will there be a sequel? A series? A movie deal? A graphic novel? If so, could you give us some hints about your future adventures?
IKM: We may have a German edition coming out later this year. We’re also in discussions with a famous Hollywood director, but he wants to recast our monkeys as cheerleaders and Kai as a puppy.
Kai: (spit) Sorry. Fur ball.
K.B. Oh, one more thing. What do IKM’s do when they become cats? What career options are available to you then? Do you move up into administration or become trainers for future generations of IKM’s? Or do you feel, as I do, that once a kitten always a kitten and that whole time thing is for monkeys?
IKM: Someof us become trainers. Some of us go on the lecture circuit – the Feline Bureau of Intelligence, the Cat Intelligence Agency. Some of us appear on talk shows – like The Late Show with David LitterTray. And some of us stay in the field. Many cases need mature undercover cats.
K.B. Is there something I haven’t asked that you would like to tell our readers and please do add links to your wonderful book.
Kai: You can now buy the book via PayTuna – the easy way to pay for cats of all ages. PayTuna accepts all the major currencies – Tuna, Chicken and even Kibble.
Xena: Here are the links:
K.B. I furgot to ask. Is it available in print as well as in e-book format? Thank mew so much, International Kittens of Mystery and Pet Monkey-Writer person.
IKM: Fur security reasons the book is only available as an e-book at the moment. The e-book has special code that redacts whole chapters if it senses mice, dogs or squirrels looking at the pages.