Intermew with Clawdette, Commanding Officer General of Feline Intel, EU
Note from K.B. Dundee: Intermew with Madame X a super secret agent of Feline Intel, Czech Republic Today. Please sign in to read this intermew as it will be highly classified and you will need your Top Secret clearance (or at least your user name and password) to access it. Or, if you don’t have them, say “Spam Sent Me.” That should do it.
I was just told that she had me-ow investigated too before she consented to granting this intermew.
K.B.: What shall we call you for the purposes of this intermew, Madame X?
X: (rolls her eyes): I suppose that will do.
K.B.: Please could you give us a broad general idea of what Feline Intel, CR, does–I mean, what’s its mission statement. Please do not tell me anything that would make you or anyone else have to shoot me.
X: My dear, this isn’t James Bond. Well, Feline Intel EU is an official department that works to protect the feline population from crime and terrorism. Our promise is to serve and protect.
K.B.: What is your position in FI? In general, non-shooting terms, I mean?
X: I am the Comanding Officer General of Feline Intel Europe.
K.B.: Is there anything romantic between you and Zvonek 08 or his sidekick, Honza?
X: (widening her eyes) I beg your pardon? That is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard!
K.B.: I sort of knew the answer to that because a certain black Bostonian cat ex-husband of yours has already told everybody HE is the love of your life. Do you care to give our readers the juicy details? How about the honeymoon? And did you get a divorce?
X: Firstly, you need to get your facts straight. I have NEVER been married! Bostian cat? How do things like this reach the press? I am furiendly with a number of foreign felines and one of them maybe from Boston.
(Somehow or other, the interviewer misses the signs that he is on the wrong track. He should have been able to tell by Clawdette’s suddenly bared claws, narrowed eyes, and flattened ears but he plunges heedlessly on, digging himself in deeper than a dog who smells a cache of dinosaur bones.)
K.B.: I understand this black cat also married an Australian queen at one time. Are you and she on good terms? Oh, come on, this part isn’t classified. Dish!
X: (coldly) You do realise I have the power to err….make you disappear.
(At that point, a rakish black cat appears on a second screen between intermewer and intermewee. It is an old friend, come to save K.B.’s furry neck from his faux paws and Clawdette’s wrath.
We interrupt this intermew to bring you a special segment patched in from Feline Intel, Boston, HQ
K.B.: (asking the newcomer to identify himself for the benefit of the readers, although this cat and K.B. are longtime friends) And you, sir, are?
Mugger: I’m known to FI Management aka V as “That American!!!” and then he always hisses a lot. Zvoni, of course, knows me as Mugger. We’re good friends, Zvoni and I, have shared more than a few milks over the years. And his little sister is so cute! But she calls me “Uncle Mugger,” which makes me feel old.
K.B.: How well do you know our guest today, Clawdette?
Mugger: I am….er…. familiar with Clawdette. We’ve run into each other now and then. But a true gentlecat never purrs and tells, but if he did purr and tell, there would be such stories, like maybe a story about deep and secret passions, exotic locales, and near-discoveries, which almost turned my tail white.
K.B.: Is there anything you can tell us now about your clandestine activities with our guest in Feline Intel that in earlier days would have obliged you to kill us?
Mugger: I really can’t go into many details, even now, because there are still so many valiant agents struggling in the field. You know, K.B., once you’re a secret agent, you are always a secret agent. And I would never comment on ongoing operations.
K.B.: Thank you, Agent Emeritus Mugger for casting light on the shadier areas of Agent Clawdette’s past.
Mugger: Shadier areas? ALL her areas are shady! (Mugger ducks as Clawdette takes a swipe at him. They then look at each other with great and historical passion.)
The second screen disappears and Clawdette washes her front foot while regaining her composure, then glares meaningfully at K.B., lifting the white whiskers over one narrowed eye.
K.B.: (to the studio audience) Ahem, sorry about that. I suppose, knowing of the–high regard–between Agent Emeritus Mugger and Madame X, I had always assumed “Cousin Charlotte” was a nom de guerre for our current guest.
Now then, Madame X, could you tell us more about your role in Zvonek’s memoirs and the other books he and Metaxa have written with their mum? Do you like how you’re portrayed?
X: (rolling her eyes in an extraordinary show of tolerance for this bumbling ginger cat’s bumbling. If he were her agent, she would have to shoot him) Agent 08 was given permission to write these memoirs and had to be careful how I am portrayed for many reasons, mostly security. The memoirs reveal the more public part of our work and have served as a PR exercise as FI has often been incorrectly portrayed in the media. My character in the book is pretty much the real me: big boss, not tolerant, committed to the cause. Metaxa actually is my ward ..but I will let agent 08 reveal all on that one.
K.B.: If they were to make a movie of your story, which human actress would you want to play you? (for the purpose of voice-overs and animation inspiration?
X: Well somebody French. As you may know I am orginally from Belgium and my second language (first being cat) is French. I am not to familiar with names of human actors, I only follow felines ones.
K.B.: IMHO, the beautiful and majestic Claudia Cardinale would be an excellent choice, Plus her last name sounds like a bird. Tasty!
Madame X, we hear you are quite the socialite. Were you a debutante? Did you have a “coming out” (Or an “I want to go out”) party?
X: Doesn’t everyone ‘come out’? I was a beautiful debutante. (gets a faraway look in her eyes.) My parents were pets of an extremely wealthy family with a huge landscaped garden. We had summer night party near the gazebo.
Everyone of the upper feline society came. It was lovely.
K.B.: Also we understand you are quite the fashionista. Where do you get your marvelous outfits and who is your favorite designer?
X: Have you heard of the house of Pancho? He is the best feline fashion designer and I ONLY wear his designs.
K.B.: Please describe a typical non-classified day for our readers.
X: You really like that word don’t you? Non-classified, mmmm? Well yesterday was one of those so I will tell you what I did. I switched my communicator to code red only. That means it only buzzes for absolute priorities. Then after a long breakfast I usually get my maintenance treatment done. My moisture massage to keep my fur purrfect, nails manicured and then some internet shopping and after a long nap slowly get ready for a night out with the feline A set.
K.B.: Finally, is there something I’ve neglected to ask that you might care to impart to your fans?
X: I never share anything voluntary it’s my training you see. But thank you for taking the time to do the interview. In spite of everything (she growls under her breath.)